I had only been living in this apartment for 7 days when the first power bill came.  Now it had been a while since I had last lived in America and I knew energy prices were soaring, but I was nevertheless shocked to see a charge of $328.03 for 7 days of service.  (And to be honest, I think I only changed it over to my name 3 days after moving in.)

So, W the T F, I thought to myself silently.  And then not so silently, I called the power company.  They asked me some pretty stupid questions like “is your oven on all the time?” and “how much laundry do you do?”  Granted, I did have a lot of laundry (nothing beats a bed-wetting 3-year-old), and I do make a mean veggie lasagna, but I mean really, a hundred bucks a day for electricity.  I might as well be back in the Vaterland. 

Then the kind folks over at the power company made a funny suggestion: “sir, your heat isn’t on, is it?”  Hmmm.  Heat.  Good one, right?  This is Southern California; who has heat?  Well, it turns out that people do. It turns out that I do.  It actually even turns out that that funny little box on the wall in the kids’ room with the circle and the numbers has something to do with the speed at which molecules in close proximity to the ceiling are bouncing around…the kind of bouncing around associated with 90 degrees F.

I think I’ve recovered from that heating snafu, at least financially if not emotionally.  And I’ve even learned that there are indeed times when it gets chilly here in SoCal. Now, I love President Carter as much as the next guy, but sometimes wearing a sweater just isn’t enough.  You you might catch me on a cold (50 degrees F) night, cranking up the heat in the kids’ room.  They sleep sound with smiles on their little faces, and I sleep so much better when I don’t have to listen to their teeth chattering.

But the heat, like the coffee maker and the High School Musical night light, is something that I do a bad job remembering to turn off.  I’ll walk into my daughter’s room days later, and exclaim something like: “damn, girl, what the hell you cookin’?”  She’ll look up at me, puzzled that I would say something like that and probably attribute it to my need to seem young, hip, and perhaps even groovy.

So what I really need is an automatic way to deal with this whole keep-the-hot-time-hot-and-the-cold-time-cold business straight (sort of the McDLT of temporal home heating, if you will).  In fact, I need it bad.

So if I were to come across a magic lamp and subsequently find myself the master of a genie, like Barbara Eden (she is so hot!), I would wish for a world-class thermostat.  On second thought, I would wish for a really nice big house with a world-class thermostat, instead of this little 2-bedroom flat where my bike gets stolen and the bums defecate in the alley.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, dear reader, wish for a million wishes.  But honestly, I think that isn’t really a good long term strategy; it degrades the respect that your genie has for you and ultimately diminishes the passion she has for her work.  No-win for anyone, right?

So suppose I do achieve this wonderful albeit improbable opportunity (by my calculations the conditional probability of meeting the aforementioned really hot genie and not saying something that might offend her immediately is 1.73e-6), what would I ask for?  Funny you should ask.  I’ll tell you.  I’d get the Honeywell Vision PRO 8000 Thermostat. 

Why?  Let me tell you.  This ain’t your father’s thermostat, bub.

1. Real-Time Clock-keeps time during power failures & updates automatically for daylight savings
2. Change/Check Reminders- alerts when you need to replace batteries, filters, or service is needed
3. Precise Comfort Control - +/- 1 degree Farenheit
4. Programmable Fan
5. Engergy Star Rating
6. 5 Year Warranty
7. Touch Screen Interaction
8. Up to 7 Day Programability
9. Permanent Memory Retention
10. Adaptive Intelligent Recovery
11. Dual Powered - Battery and Hardwire
12. Takes 3 AAA Batteries

Is there anything it can’t do?!?!  (That was retorical for a punctuated ending.)

So, it turns out that’s all I have to say about that.  If you enjoyed reading this post, please digg it or reddit it it or stumble upon it, or whatever to make me feel loved and encourage me to drink another bottle of bourbon before writing future posts.  You could even send it to a friend or to your genie. If you are in need of a thermostat (come on, you know you are), I’d recommend you click on this one to buy it.

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