I had only been living in this apartment for 7 days when the first power bill came.  Now it had been a while since I had last lived in America and I knew energy prices were soaring, but I was nevertheless shocked to see a charge of $328.03 for 7 days of service.  (And to be honest, I think I only changed it over to my name 3 days after moving in.)

So, W the T F, I thought to myself silently.  And then not so silently, I called the power company.  They asked me some pretty stupid questions like “is your oven on all the time?” and “how much laundry do you do?”  Granted, I did have a lot of laundry (nothing beats a bed-wetting 3-year-old), and I do make a mean veggie lasagna, but I mean really, a hundred bucks a day for electricity.  I might as well be back in the Vaterland. 

Then the kind folks over at the power company made a funny suggestion: “sir, your heat isn’t on, is it?”  Hmmm.  Heat.  Good one, right?  This is Southern California; who has heat?  Well, it turns out that people do. It turns out that I do.  It actually even turns out that that funny little box on the wall in the kids’ room with the circle and the numbers has something to do with the speed at which molecules in close proximity to the ceiling are bouncing around…the kind of bouncing around associated with 90 degrees F.

I think I’ve recovered from that heating snafu, at least financially if not emotionally.  And I’ve even learned that there are indeed times when it gets chilly here in SoCal. Now, I love President Carter as much as the next guy, but sometimes wearing a sweater just isn’t enough.  You you might catch me on a cold (50 degrees F) night, cranking up the heat in the kids’ room.  They sleep sound with smiles on their little faces, and I sleep so much better when I don’t have to listen to their teeth chattering.

But the heat, like the coffee maker and the High School Musical night light, is something that I do a bad job remembering to turn off.  I’ll walk into my daughter’s room days later, and exclaim something like: “damn, girl, what the hell you cookin’?”  She’ll look up at me, puzzled that I would say something like that and probably attribute it to my need to seem young, hip, and perhaps even groovy.

So what I really need is an automatic way to deal with this whole keep-the-hot-time-hot-and-the-cold-time-cold business straight (sort of the McDLT of temporal home heating, if you will).  In fact, I need it bad.

So if I were to come across a magic lamp and subsequently find myself the master of a genie, like Barbara Eden (she is so hot!), I would wish for a world-class thermostat.  On second thought, I would wish for a really nice big house with a world-class thermostat, instead of this little 2-bedroom flat where my bike gets stolen and the bums defecate in the alley.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, dear reader, wish for a million wishes.  But honestly, I think that isn’t really a good long term strategy; it degrades the respect that your genie has for you and ultimately diminishes the passion she has for her work.  No-win for anyone, right?

So suppose I do achieve this wonderful albeit improbable opportunity (by my calculations the conditional probability of meeting the aforementioned really hot genie and not saying something that might offend her immediately is 1.73e-6), what would I ask for?  Funny you should ask.  I’ll tell you.  I’d get the Honeywell Vision PRO 8000 Thermostat. 

Why?  Let me tell you.  This ain’t your father’s thermostat, bub.

1. Real-Time Clock-keeps time during power failures & updates automatically for daylight savings
2. Change/Check Reminders- alerts when you need to replace batteries, filters, or service is needed
3. Precise Comfort Control - +/- 1 degree Farenheit
4. Programmable Fan
5. Engergy Star Rating
6. 5 Year Warranty
7. Touch Screen Interaction
8. Up to 7 Day Programability
9. Permanent Memory Retention
10. Adaptive Intelligent Recovery
11. Dual Powered - Battery and Hardwire
12. Takes 3 AAA Batteries

Is there anything it can’t do?!?!  (That was retorical for a punctuated ending.)

So, it turns out that’s all I have to say about that.  If you enjoyed reading this post, please digg it or reddit it it or stumble upon it, or whatever to make me feel loved and encourage me to drink another bottle of bourbon before writing future posts.  You could even send it to a friend or to your genie. If you are in need of a thermostat (come on, you know you are), I’d recommend you click on this one to buy it.

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I ride my bike everywhere I go. To work. To the beach. To the farmers’ market. To the kids’ school. And I’m sick of it! That’s right. You heard me. I’m f*@#$ing sick of it.  Just because I’m some tree-hugging, carbon-hating, crunchy conservationist, why should I also have to stay in shape? Burning all those calories from cycling goes against my goal of gaining 15 pounds for every year since I’ve moved to this wonderful country.

So what can I do? I want to be lazy and get around town without pedaling, but conventional autos burn gas, and electrics need all that coal.

Hmmmm….now that I think about it, this town is sunny year round.  Holy crap! I have an idea.  What if I could drive a solar-powered car.  On second thought, seeing as how I don’t have a valid driver’s license for the USA, what I really need is a solar powered golf cart.  Do they exist?  Holy crap, part 2!  They sure do!

With a price tag of $9000, I won’t take this decision lightly.  But just think about it, I could do things like, I dunno, take up golf, you know, since golf courses are such reasonable ways to utilize land resources. On second thought, I could drive it around to . . . hmmmm . . . ok, I don’t really know where I would drive it, but you have to admit that a solar powered golf cart is pretty damn cool.

How about it you buy one and tell me about it?

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It’s one thing to be a good guy; individually reducing, reusing, recycling, cutting carbon, saving water….yadda yadda yadda.  But it is quite another to inspire the same kind of conscientiousness in others especially in kids.  There is so much about having kids that is just so unenvironmental…like diapers for example.  But what can we do to raise environmentally aware kiddos?

USAWeekend offers the following seven tips:

Read your children books with Earth-friendly topics.

Good for the environment: Early lessons teach kids to act conscientiously as adults. “There’s always the classic ‘The Lorax’ by Dr. Seuss, which is about saving the trees,” says Jen Boulden, co-founder of eco-lifestyle site IdealBite.com. Two more good ones: “Our Tree Named Steve” by Alan Zweibel and “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein.

Bring your kids to the farmers market.

Good for the environment: Kids who appreciate what the Earth can provide will take better care of it.

Good for you: Free knowledge. “Farmers markets are places to learn. They’re the new public squares,” says Michael Pollan, author of “The Omnivore’s Dilemma,” who often takes his 15-year-old son to them. “I want him to know farmers and understand that carrots are a root and not a glossy orange bullet that comes in a bag. And I want to teach him not to waste food, because he sees where it comes from and how much work goes into producing it.”

Stock up on green school supplies.

Good for the environment: According to the Environmental Protection Agency, recycled paper produces 74% less pollution and uses 64% less energy and 50% less water. Other smart items: recycled or reusable pencils, pens and notebooks.

Good for you: Save money with refillable pencils and pens. Try the Woody Pen, for example, which is made of non-toxic wood on the outside — ideal for pen chewers. The Corn Pen is biodegradable.

Use flushable diapers.

Good for the environment: Each year, 3.5 million tons of disposable diapers are put in landfills. The EPA found cloth diapers to be less expensive (even considering all the washings), but they aren’t a convenient option for most parents. The new solution? gDiapers’ flushable diapers, which are safely reabsorbed into the ecosystem (gdiapers.com).

Good for you: No buildup of stinky disposable diapers in the trash can. And no loads and loads of wash from cloth diapers.

Don’t brown-bag it.

Good for the environment: Pack a reusable insulated bag with lunches instead of a paper bag that will get thrown away (more trash!). 

Good for you: “Insulated bags can be rolled up and tucked away,” Boulden says. And because they’re insulated, they’ll keep that yogurt chilled.

Take pictures of the kids with a digital camera.

Good for the environment: “We recommend going digital,” Boulden says. “Making a photo from a digital image uses fewer chemicals than making a photo from film.” Using fewer chemicals is better for the Earth.

Good for you: “With film, you’re getting all your photos printed,” she adds. “With digital, you get only the ones you want.” Plus, you can share albums with friends and family through sites such as KodakGallery.com and Snapfish.com.

Make gardening a family activity.

Good for the environment: Eating locally (i.e., from your backyard) means no gas is required to ship those blue-ribbon tomatoes (or squash, beans or lettuce).

Good for you: “Kids with exposure to gardening programs do better on science tests, do better socially and develop a sense of responsibility,” says Charlie Nardozzi, senior horticulturist with the National Gardening Association. “And they develop better eating habits.”

Here are some other good resources:

1. Natural Resources Defence Council - Kids
2. Kidsource
3. Ecomall - Kids
4. EPA - Kids

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